I've faced quite a few upsets and disappointments in my time on this mortal coil and evidently it's built a fair amount of insecurities in me, it has lead to wrong decisions being made and sometimes upset to others, and to anyone I have done this to i'm sorry but it was not me it was my FEAR.
Fear of inclusion and exclusion, fear of right, fear of wrong, fear of all the things that I am and am not... fear of, self.
I‘be dreamed of locking myself away and just drawing or writing, which are 2 things I really enjoy doing, l so I attempted to a few weeks back. I sat at this beautiful antique drawing table I had purchased off EBay, I had bought this hoping it would help inspire new creativity. As I stood in front of the room which housed the answer to the question of what will I create, I felt something.
I moved towards the room and pulled the chair out, I felt it again.
I shuffled my pens and drawing materials and felt it again looked around wondering wtf is that?
It was the fear.
I could hear it creeping towards me like a snake in grass hissing with it's tongue out "hi my name is fear and i'm here to fuck with you'.
This forked tongue demon messed with my mind so much that day that my pencil became heavy, the paper and new beautiful drawing table became a battlefield, which I lost to as i got to Centered on fear that I didn't know what to create.
The battle was lost because I allowed fear to eat at the shallow end of my mind, as that is the easiest way to get to me. I felt trapped in my thoughts of what the outcome of the drawing was for. I hadn't even put pencil to paper and I was already thinking of what the creation would be for, ridiculous right? Why couldn't I simply just draw?
The fear was in me and was manipulating my creativity, so I put the pencil down and put away my drawing tools. The fear had told me I had nothing to say so why bother? I retreated to other things around the house.
This got me thinking, how much do I want something and what do I do to achieve the things I want?
Food for thought.
As far as creativity goes the creation is in the thought not the action, if i can imagine it I have therefore created it. My mind does not know the purpose of things it just knows and acknowledges the thought of creation, following me? There is no purpose in that moment other than the creation. It's in the journey to transfer that thought to physicality is where fear and acknowledgement of self are and can be manipulated. If I had simply followed my own thought and not allow the distraction of the hissing snake I would've stayed in the moment
To quote my dude Ian Brown's song; F.E.A.R. (for everything a reason), we can simply use the fear or let it use you. Be aware that if you're being used by it then you'll never really know what it is you are made for, but, if you're using IT and acknowledge IT as an ingredient in your creative journey then make sure that it's not the strongest flavour in your dish or at the heart of your recipe.
Feed your mind, 'I can't teach you anything, I can only make you think'.